|
Rob's Rant
|
My rules- set by me
- I’m allowed to
go off on what I feel like.
- Nothing has to
be relevant to anything
- I’ll attempt to
stay off the subject of football
- I’ll attempt to
substitute swear words with their lesser-offensive equivalent.
|
 |
4th December 2008
Getting older, slippers, keys and stuff
What is it with getting older that
changes a person so much? Personally I haven’t gone through many of the changes
yet but I can see them coming and are helpless to avoid them. Suddenly when a
person hit a certain age, they have a liking for slippers. Now I am the person
furthest away from ever wearing slippers or house shoes. It’s trainers all the
way for me, but there appears to be a love of slippers throughout the UK. They
are annoying, they are stupid looking, serve no extra value over wearing
trainers and frankly, make you look old. Who ever thought wearing fluffy /
tartan / Simpson / novelty items made from sponge and fluff on your feet would
be a good idea- basically you are now a bit more of a fire hazard than before
you started wearing these annoying cushioned plimsolls.
As I’ve grown older, an annoying
collection of keys has built up, half of which I don’t know what are for, the
other half I am so scared of losing, I have to keep other things attached to
them so it make them harder to lose. The end result being a pocket full of
metal, weighing in at a kilo, with an array of trinkets and shiny things that a
gyppo would be proud to have attached to their Elizabeth Duke stolen rope
necklace. There is no need for all these lock-operating instruments, but the day
I discard any one of them, the need for its usage will guaranteed to come to
light. In my childhood days, I lost a house key, whilst running home from
school, happily swinging the key around on it’s key ring, it flew off and (in
accordance with the level of luck I have been allocated through my whole life)
entered a drain, perfectly, without even touching the side and making a little
clink noise as if to say “up yours”. All I could see was a key disappearing into
the scummy muddy stuff that drains seemed to populate. It happened to me then
and it didn’t seem a big thing. If I lose them now, the skies would open and one
of the horsemen of the apocalypse would come and take me away to a land where I
have to spend the rest of my day putting charms into those stupid ‘Crocs’ shoes.
And as age sets in, where does the love
of easy listening music come from? Unfortunately I have to admit I do have a
liking for certain easy listening songs, but then again very few people are
happy when I’m listening to happy hardcore whilst driving. I can’t stand some of
the tripe that is rammed into my ears when an oldie is trundling along though.
Neil Diamond (apart from Sweet Caroline – cracking drunken song), Roy Orbison,
Leonard Cohen, Carpenters, bloody radio 2, 3, 4 and Classic FM load of tripe.
I’m not sure where easy listening comes from but I find it hard to listen to
very easily. I now have a bad feeling that some of the Hed Kandi chill-out
albums are actually the new-age easy listening genre – in which case I’m hitting
a certain age – sh!te!
Hair! Now what’s that about? Born with
hardly any, grow older, become a hippy, then as the hair falls out your head it
seems to stick and take root in your back, chest, rear end, ears, nose and any
other place that hair doesn’t seem so appealing. Why does nose hair have to grow
so long, when I was younger it didn’t grow outside of the confines of my
nostrils, now it’s trying to see the light. Fortunately I’m young enough to
notice this and get the buggers before they escape, but once a certain age is
reached, it seems acceptable for them to flow and even join together across the
filtrum, like a nasal beard. Ear hair is another thing that’s not high in the “I
find attractive” list by women, but yet it still gives it some effort from some
people, oblivious to the bonsai garden erupting from their wing-nuts. Some times
I’m glad I cut my hair short now, because, apart from hiding my low-tide
hairline, it saves me from having to style it like these tarts that look like
they just woke up or are related to chickens.
Fashion sense – to be honest this has
been done so many times I can’t even start to go into it, apart from coats. Very
rarely will you see a young (or youngish) couple walking along wearing matching
coats (unless they were complete geeks at school). It’s a phenomenon in which
recently retired people seem to embrace. And embrace it with badly fitting,
badly designed, cheap, loud coloured pieced of man-made materials they do,
looking like a married couple from Sesame Street. Walking along (or rambling as
some of the extremists call it) holding hands or a stick each, looking at the
British countryside in the wind, rain and cold of a weekend, remarking on how
lovely the view is, how tall the lighthouse is or how cold it is and how they
can’t wait for “a nice cup of tea from the flask in the car”.
Flasks! Blimey, either used for kids at
first school to put orange / blackcurrant in or just-retired people to have tea
or weak soup in. and they never look right. Who ever decided it would be a nice
holiday thing to do, sitting in a car, near the edge of a cliff or beach,
shivering whilst trying to pour barely flavoured water into a plastic cup full
of grains of sand and grit from the floor of the car boot. Then they do that
thing where they take a sip and make that “aaahhhhh” noise, comment on how
‘lovely’ it is to have a ‘warm cuppa’. If it’s that good – stay at home and have
one!!!
Old people at the seaside! They love it
don’t they! Like it’s a new thing to go there! I’m sure everyone over the age of
50 in this kingdom has been to every coastal beach there is available in the UK.
They go there for ‘mystery tours’, for weekends, weeks or even to retire, and
why? To sit on the promenade (I hate that word, along with pelmet, feature wall
and lace), legs akimbo, looking at the sea, complaining about all and sundry. I
can emphasise the facing the sea setting the world to rights (with a can
containing fermented vegetable drinks), but do they all have to wear the same
type duffle coat thingy with big buttons and one of them round kind of hat that
looks like a tea-cosy? And it always makes me laugh that they clamber on the
seaside ‘train’ (which is actually a small diesel engine novelty car with wood
screwed into it to make it look like a train) for a trip along the sea front,
only to end up staring at people walking and looking generally miserable. It’s
genius. Then not only have the ability to look ridiculous, like they are on a
children’s ride, but to frown with such skill that their wrinkles double and
become a whole shipment of Pug dogs.
Sea sides aren’t what they used to be
either. But I’ll have a go at them another time!!!!
14th November 2008
Kind of a rant, but
more of a Robservation - How I see it: The Premier League as it stands.
1 Chelsea - It is good
to see Scolari taking a loss from a lower league team with such humility. It's
time Chelsea fans realised that they haven't won everything and can't win
everything - take a note from your new manager. And does Drogba always have to
go throwing his money around?
2 Liverpool - Felling
the strain now you're owners hate each other? Never mind - go and ring a few
cars - they'll fetch you enough funds to buy the shares back.
3 Arsenal - Arsene
Wenger is off on one again - is he ever going to be happy to see football being
played as the rule book states? With tackles, throw-ins and all sorts of other
parts of a CONTACT sport thrown in? oh no, sorry - we're not allowed to touch
his players because they are all under 12 and need a wee if someone gets too
close. Why don't they just play "throw the beanbag into the bucket" instead!
4 Man Utd - we're not
doing as well as I thought but it could be worse.
5 Aston Villa - doing
surprisingly well to be honest. Looks like they'll have a good season - even if
Martin is off his head.
6 Hull - WTF are they
doing here? Did all the flooding suddenly mutate them into footballers? Give it
another season to see them relegated.
7 Everton - Doing
pretty well too. Although I heard they are starting a new band up "Moyes II Men"
8 Middlesbrough -
Gareth Southgate - what a handsome fella - and fitting for such an awesome team
- these should be relegated just for having the nuance to stay in the prem. Ave
attendance of 1,200 isn't good enough!
9 Portsmouth - Tony
Adams should really take a note from Harry and leave this place quickly before
he ends up with the key to the city.
10 Fulham - Jimmy
Bullard and Andy (Beckham look-a-like) Johnson hold this team together, still a
load of pants tho.
11 Bolton - Megson
will be fired soon, it must be something about the Reebok stadium that requires
the home team to field 9 defenders.
12 Stoke - I have no
complaints about this team - hard challenging, full effort and a bloke who can
take throw-ins like Jenna Jameson takes love-lengths. Hard and fast. I
especially like this team due to them making Wenger cry after they got a few
players injured.
13 Man City - All the
money in the world- and not an ounce of success. Hughes - leave them - Mourinho
will come in, be creamed on and ruin them.
14 West Ham - I
actually think XL shut down, not because of going into administration, just to
dodge being sponsors of this mediocre, dull and dreary team.
15 Blackburn - Not a
nice place.
16 Tottenham - Harry
Redknapp - what has he given the Spurs team? Has he threatened to sleep with
them if they don't win? To hear Liverpool fans saying that they had a weakened
team out which is why they got beat (twice in a row) makes me laugh - it's still
a Liverpool team - no matter if there is a load of youngsters there - it's the
team that the manager thought would win the game.
17 Wigan - What have
you done with Emile Heskey? He plays for England and suddenly he re-gains form.
Is it the joy of not having to play in a place it rains every day?
18
Newcastle - HA HA HA HA HA I hope you get relegated.
19 Sunderland - Come
on Keano - you should know by now that winning is what you're about. Kenwyn
Jones got compared to a bad Kanu the other day. Actually I'm thinking more of a
Jason Lee.
20 West Brom - Bit
obvious wasn't it.
5th August 2008
England Games
This rant was
suggested by Karl, so in his behalf I shall complain...
Why are the national
team game held on Setanta or Sky? How come the national team isn't playing on
national telly where we've paid for the licence to watch and should be having
programmes we want to watch? Doesn't Sky and Setanta give the FA enough money to
live on? Are they so strapped for cash that any international games have to be
pay-per-view? And besides, all of the England games since we were beaten in the
world cup in Japan have been dull, lifeless boring and frankly embarrassing. To
think that the premiership is classed as the best league in the world (probably
only by which ever station is broadcasting it) and we can only supply a
half-hearted team that is now probably ranked 30th in the world. If
the new breed of England players looked back over games, they would find out why
it's important to wear an England shirt and put some effort in. Players like
Pearce, Robson, Adams and Sheringham would never let their players go at half
pace, they would be kicking their backsides to put more effort in! Now a days
there's only a couple worthy of an England shirt - and from a totally bias point
of view, certain ones should be ditched as they are well above their station and
apparently bigger than England (Lampard, Gerrard, James, Ashley Cole).
Either put some effort
in or retire from international duty - and while you're at it - BBC, put some
effort in acquiring the games!
Big Brother
Thanks f@#k for that -
another few weeks load of TV tripe has finished. "I know, what we'll do is put a
dozen idiots in a house and watch them" was the general idea of the show and how
big has it become! Showing that the world is full of TV mush-heads actually
watching this junk, where the idiots inside the house do very little apart from
argue, cook, sit in the garden and prove that the general public;
a)
have money to waste on premium rate calls to vote
who leaves a house
b)
will watch anything that is advertised enough
c)
believe they enjoy it because some over-hyped
presenter is on it
d)
have so little going on, they sit in their living
rooms watching people sitting in a living room.
The show has only
managed to produce a few H-list celebrities, some singers who go to number 156
in the charts and a load of people who now turn up to open supermarkets or local
swimming pools. Well done, you all got your 15 mins of fame and what a bunch of
tw@ts you made yourself look.
People to be thrown
into the corridor of back-hand bitch-slaps
Kevin Keegan - Has the
career morals of Jim Royal. Learn to put up with the bosses you muppet.
The Geordie on 5-Live
who when asked, "Do you think that Kevin Keegan is a quitter?" he replied "Kevin
is definitely not a quitter" (after he quit the Newcastle job).
Steve McLaren - Summed
up by the radio 5 commentator being in stitches as Steve conducted an interview
and put on a poor Dutch accent.
New rule - your
shout!!!!
Give me a rant and
I'll edit it - or give me something to complain about and I'll give it a go!!!!
Its all about getting the viewer involved (any poor requests will be ignored)
5th August 2008
Weather
This one has probably
been done a million times now, but I'll carry on regardless. And here it is
again - crappy weather during summer. Understandable England is located quite a
way up from the equator, but it doesn't justify the toss weather we have here.
What happens is that every Monday the sun is out, the skies go blue and the heat
turns up. As you go through the week the weather stays the same, right up until
4pm on Friday, when it tips down, the wind blows and puts a right crapper on the
weekend. So the 2 out of 7 days we have to enjoy ourselves, are totally dumped
on because you get soaked, blown about or generally treated badly by the weather
system. What I propose is that we move the week forward (or backward) 2 days.
Then Saturday would be Thursday, Friday would be Wednesday and Sunday would be
Friday - so at 4pm Sunday (when you're not doing much in particular) you've have
it pouring down outside and end up having to chill at home. Simple but effective
way of making it nicer on weekends!
Politicians
What a bunch of
children. If they aren't arguing, they are slagging each other off or telling
everyone how great they are. Ok so we get a prime minister who fell into the job
rather than got voted in, then he has an election where no-one opposed him, now
everyone slates him for being rubbish. If he's that bad he should have got voted
out. Now I'm not a fan of Brown - neither an opposer- I couldn't care less. They
are all full of lies, secret agendas and blame. What is really annoying is that
they spend most of the time bickering on stupid little points like a pair of 5
year old would about an ice cream, then they have the cheek to say that they
would be the best people in the job - and prove this by dancing like a dad in
some party function in Blackpool. And another thing is they don't have the balls
to stop major companies taking the p!ss out of the country. "Oh we're British
Gas and we can raise our prices by how much we like" but the government have a
debate, say it's not good and then advise companies to stop giving pay rises and
then that'll stop inflation. No, what it'll do is make everyone skint and end up
in big debt, apart from the politicians who earn enough not to give a toss about
the price of petrol or anything else. Grow up you bunch of bad-suit wearing,
geeky, turd-talking, failed accountants.
People to be thrown
into the dungeon of slappings
It's got to be the
leaders all the political parties, except Screaming Lord Sutch - he can have a
nice walk around the park.
Christiano Ronaldo is
to be given a guided tour around the dungeon - because if he carries on messing
about saying he wants to go to Real then changing his mind, he'll be chucked in
there and be forced to listen to Frank Lampard trying to give a speech for the
rest of eternity.
5th July 2008
Banoffee Pie
I hate this stupid
description for a pudding it's a load of fuank (to coin the naming persons'
logic). It's a banana and toffee pie, to actually think about it, it's a pretty
disgusting combination, but then again that's down to personal taste. This
dis-gruntledness also expands to any food which has been double-named to make it
sound funky or a bit different. Frubes - fruit in a tube and something even kids
think is a bit childish. Choco-pops - or whatever they are called now - and
that's another thing- why have they changed the coco-pops advert to include that
stupid slogan that doesn't work??? "Coco-pops and milk make a bowl full of
fun??? Marketing retards!
Premium Account
Internet things
This isn't one of
those sleazy websites, it is for hosting websites. PhotoBucket, PictureTrail,
FlickR and all of those other type of sites which give you "Free Image Hosting"
and all these other features that draw you in, thinking you can distribute your
photos to all your family at the click of a button. So you sign up for free and
get going. Only to find out that to get the function of 1 click distribution,
you have to subscribe. What a load of toss! So without wanting to admit defeat,
you have to up load each picture individually, or in a bulk load using their
unstable free uploader tool, which keeps crashing the pc. After 10 hours of
uploading, 12 crashes and 20 pics uploaded, you now have to individually sort
them into folders. Bearing in mind that if you subscribe, his could be done with
a single click, but because it's free, it has to be done manually and with
adverts all over the place. The only way I can see of getting out of this loop
of hell is to tell the family "No, I didn't take any photos". The web = free
stuff is generally crap.
Mosquitoes
Flying tax-men
basically. Britain seems to be getting a growing population of these little
Farqhuars! They are annoying in a couple of ways, not only do they suck your
blood without asking, their bites itch and they can transmit disease. Also, if
you're watching telly with the lights off, they seem to fin it irresistible to
whiz past the screen at the most annoying times (just before a punch-line,
horror bit or main part of the film), causing you to pause the program, turn on
the light and spend the next ten minutes looking like a demented bedroom-lion
about to attack the tiny flying gazelle with the tissue of doom. So you can't
find it after a few minutes of hunting. Off the light goes and back to the
program. The little bar-steward whizzes past the screen again, and the ritual
starts again, only to give up after the 3rd attempt, go to sleep and
wake up the next morning with a dozen bites and a little note on your pillow
saying "F@#K You, I got your blood and I'll be back tomorrow!"
People to be sent to
the hall of slaps
Joey Barton - You're a
premiership footballer who keeps fighting because "people taunt you" - so what,
go home with your £50k per week and deal with it! Such a tragedy that people
give you stick!!!
The beach attendants
at Golden Beach - Malta - For one day pulling out all the stops to sort us sun-loungers,
parasols , drinks and food and for then next not being bothered because we
didn't want beers straight away.
Ryanair - I know the flights are cheap, no frills
and basic, but normally courtesy is something that is required from any service
provider, actually from everyone. If you employ flight attendants, make sure
they aren't rude old battle-axes with more pre-menstrual tension than Maggie
Thatcher after she's found out that the Falklands are actually Argentinean!
11th June 2008
Ok I know it's been a while, but I've been quite happy recently, until Big
Brother started.
Big Brother
This is meant to be a
reality show. Surely the whole set up proves that it it no reality show - in
reality, you don't have a dozen vetted weirdos in a house, locked up so they
can't get out, fed cheap booze, given jacuzzis saunas and everything else they
need to live comfortably. And why do people watch this rubbish? If I wanted to
watch someone doing nothing I'd go to the old folks home and get the same
result. But no - people watch this cr@p and even have enough time to waste to
watch the extended program on digital. Where the block out the sound, because
it's nearly live, as people are talking about stuff that may be found offensive.
So how pathetic is that. You're sitting in a room, watching people sitting in a
room, not being able to hear what they say and they are doing as little as you
are. Get out, do something and stop feeding your mashed up brain with this
tripe!!!
Sports Programmes
During Euro 2008
Right, England aren't
in the Euros this year, we failed as our team were so pathetically rubbish, very
few players actually put effort into the games. So why do the commentators keep
on going on about Englad during the games, commentry and summaries? Face the
fact, BBC, SKY and ITV, that we didn't make it through to the Euros, and talk
about the teams that did. There's no point in telling us that Gerrard says that
he thinks they would have done OK against the Germans, because we're not in it -
obviously it proves that we weren't good enough. I'm a supporter of England, but
it is majorly annoying that people can't let it lie that during the qualifiers,
we were sh!te!!!!!!!!
Forward This Email To
## People
Self inflicted spam.
If you receive and email telling you to send it to 7 or 10 or 100 friends
otherwise you will blow up, have no luck for the rest of your life, or a
'special thing will happen on your screen', then just delete it. Don't send it
on to me as nothing like this works, unless you have installed something from
the email, which probably mean you now have a virus anyway. Alll they serve is
to fill up your inbox, waste my time and prove your lack of understanding of
computer systems.. And the people who create them? Nothing better to do with
their lives.
People to be sent to
the hall of slaps
David Pleat - To usde
the phrase "Spain won't get very far with poor defensive shows like that" as
they were 4-1 up against the Russians. They will go far if they keep scoring 3
more than their opponents!!!
Gatusso, Van Persie,
Ljungberg, Del Piero, Podolski, Lehmann and Henry - For being in the Euros when
you actually should be in a big tub of horse leavings.
Words/phrases to be
banned
Blog - Web-log? Online
diary for people who aren't really doing anything - read by people who do even
less (similar to big brother)
Big Up
The Dutch team (apart
from Van Persie) for wiping out Italy
7th May 2008
Phone Calls
How come the phone
always rings at the wrong time?? The other day i was lugging a wardrobe up the
stairs, on my own - so it wasn;t the most easy task in the world. I've struggled
with this 70 kg beast to half way up the stairs, and have managed to get into a
position where if i let go, it would all end in a big mess and a few choice
words. So the phone rings. To add to the struggle, you get the feeling that you
really should answer it, so there i am, half way up the stairs, fighting a
wardrobe and contemplating wether i should let it drop, probably to find that
it's a wrong number or someone wants to sell me windows. So as usual, i ignore
it. I get the wardrobe to the top of the stairs and put it in it's place. Note:
the phone doesn't ring now when i could actually do with a break!!! So then i
get to work on the task of getting the second one up the stairs - exactly the
same thing, when at a pivitol moment which could see me joining the wardrobe at
the bottom of the stairs in a human/wood mess combination, the bloody phone
rings again!!!. I ignore and arry on as normal. Later in the day the missus
comes home and says " you've missed 3 calls, how come you didn't answer it?"
after ignoring this question i decide to get dinner. So i sit down with my
pathetic effort of a microwave 'meal' (term used loosely for the pre-formed mass
of semi-synthetic mush on my plate) so i can relax and consume plastic at my
leisure and what happens? bloody phone starts ringing.
Play acting
This has got to be the
worst thing that has come into football since Klinsmann. I went to the United
game v West Ham - who we thoroughly spanked, but the game was slightly marred by
the fact that United only had 10 men. The reason for this? Well, Nani got sent
off. He 'headbutted' an opposition player. I can understand this is a sending
off offence, but when a so-called headbut is mearely a brush of eyebrows, i fail
to see how much damage that can cause. Now Nani was wrong for doing this,. Lucas
Neil should feel ashamed for being such a wuss and diving backwards like a
sledge hammer had just smashed through his face, but Nani should have been
slapped round the face for diving down too! As much comedy value as it had,
there still lies a part of me that dislikes this Platoon style diving rubbish.
When you are taken out, land like you have been taken out, not roll 30 yards up
the field, screaming like you're giving birth. Every now and then, take on a
tackle and you might actually get through it, without having to beg the ref for
a free kick like a scabby whore trying to get business from a rich man. To
summaries, stop falling on the floor, the only person allowed to do this is
Ronaldo - and he's stopped doing it too!
Club Free-loaders
You can see them a
mile off, standing in the queue outside the nightclub, looking fine and chatting
to people. You think they look like a good laugh and maybe have a chance as
they've chatted to you, but you fall into that silly spell of offering to buy
them a drink. This is a little game me and the missus play, we'll be queueing
to get into a club and there will be two girls, tiny skirts & tops, nice hair
and makeup - minute handbags - not enough space to fit lipstick and money, so
obviously the money isn;t taken. They first arrive in the club with the lads
they have been chatting to outside, go to the bar and the lads (guaranteed) will
offer to buy yhtm a drink, they turn to each other and agree on some bottle of
tart-fuel (usually WKD or Smirnoff Ice) and proceed to drink them through a
straw. After a while of chatting to the lads, they'll go for a wander, only to
bump into another group of lads, who do the same. This will go on all night,
teasing the lads, getting them to buy drinks and generally fleecing the poor
boys, under the hope that one of them might get a date out of it. Sitting back
and watching this is funny, especially if you see one of the culprits slip over
on a pile of puke, left by an over-enthusiastic drinker, or seeing their face
when someone refuses to buy them a drink. Bottom line - stop doing it you
skanks, get your own drinks and leave the brainless boys alone!!!!
People to be sent to
the hall of slaps
Poke in the head for
me for noticing that i spelt foie gras wrongly.
Kerry McFadden (or
whatever her bloody name is now) - One minute she's in 'OK' magazine (or some
similar amount of tripe) saying how she's a good mother, then next she's in the
papers snorting a £200 line of coke and how bad she is. Sort it our woman!!!
27th March 2008
Writers Block
I hate having writers block - i can't even complain about anything!
Wannabe, Overly-enthusiastic supporters
I lied about not involving football, but it can apply to any sport.
I hate sitting next to or near anyone who sees it right to jump up, shout,
celebrate and complain about a match, when actually there is nothing going on.
You fool! You jump up and shout out at the ref on how bad a decision he's made
when he's gave a throw on to the opposition on the half way line, when our
player has slide tackled the ball out! You scream at a player to be subbed when
he misses a chance, even though he's taken the ball half way up the pitch,
skinning 5 players and eventually having to take a snapshot as there's no
support! You shout inane comments like, "Why are you clearing the ball - run it
out!" when there are 2 defenders and 4 opposition attacking the area. You wave
your arms about like there is a plague of imaginary flies in front of you, talk
a load of crap about how they shouldn't man-mark players and think every attack
should end up in a goal. It doesn't happen like that! You have to build, you
have to clear the ball when it needs clearing and you have to stop getting on my
nerves or I'm going to throw you into the away end!
Words to be banned
Infomercial - utter marketing cabbage. It's an advert that informs you of
something - like toss is it!
Words to be used more
Plimsoll - cracking invention to show a coming of age. You know you are hitting
teenage years when you refuse to wear them for PE any more
People to be thrown into the dungeon of slaps
Muffcarano - HA HA HA keep it shut matey and you might even go a full 90 mins,
oh, that'll be you getting sent off then.
The bloke sitting next to me at the United v Liverpool Game - Shut up - you turn
up once every 5 months and talk utter junk in an overly-high pitched voice. When
you learn that Rooney doesn't have to score every game to be a major part of the
team, then I will stop deliberately ignoring you.
19th March 2008
Bureaucracy
How come the paperless office has turned
into a paper-filled, electronic application backed-up pile place where
everything has to be electronically agreed then manually signed off? Surely in
this electronic world where everything can be password coded, instantly
transferred and electronically tagged, we shouldn’t have to fill in any paper
forms to coincide with this tripe! I spend a large amount of the day shuffling
papers around and checking computer screens, when all that needs to be done is
to lose all the paper and make the on-screen forms more user friendly. Tell the
accountants and auditors that data on a pc can be changed as easily as on a bit
of paper, but can be protected without it having to go into a safe. And what’s
the point in auditors coming in and checking that every transaction is going
smoothly, surely they could do this from a download onto on major program that
checks for anomalies? When I was a kid there was all these sci-fi programs that
promised floating cars, cd players in every home and computers that could run
the house for you. Most of it has come around but the paper pushers seem to have
taken a firm grip, just solely to make me have to do filing every 6 months!
Words/Phrases to be banned
·
Chortle – No-one chortles,
they giggle, smirk, laugh or snigger. Chortling went out in 1920 and stayed out.
·
Guffaw – see chortle.
People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps
New section – easy to understand – if I
don’t like them – they get slapped until they realise how wrong they are.
·
Jamie Cullam – stop messing
around, either play the piano or get off. You shouldn’t be standing on a piano
anyway!
·
Alan Carr - You annoying
unfunny turd – you should really see a dentist.
Words/Phrases to be
used more frequently
Gammy – adj. Brit Slang, (of the leg) lame
Gangue – n. valueless material in an ore
Gamine - .n a slim and boyish girl or young
woman
Bunky Chollox
anagrams:
Club Hook Lynx
Lunchbox Yolk
Holy Clunk-box
13th March 2008
Daytime Telly
I’ve been off ill for a couple of days and had the delights of enduring day-time
TV. What a load of rubbish. If it’s not Chav’s and their pathetic problems it’s
just-passed-middle-age wrinkle raisin faced ‘celebrity’ housewives talking a
load of junk about how they run their house and how great they are. Jeremy Kyle,
is light entertainment because it serves to prove that there are people out
there with a lower IQ than 100 and that some people really do buy matching
Burberry tracksuit top and bottoms. Loose Women – load of sexist junk – if 5
blokes did the same program, it would be banned for being sexist. Either way –
I’d rather have been at work feeling ill than suffering that load of mind-w@nk
Boredom
Some emotions are worse than this, but not many are so frustrating. How annoying
is it being bored, don’t wanna do anything, can’t be bothered, need to do
sommat but don’t know what. The only cure for this I think is to go out down the
pub, play football or go all Matrix Los Angeles gunman on the world!
Wind
Not the kind which is produced by digestive gasses, but the stuff we call
weather. Wind is the most annoying weather because it makes everyone look bloody
stupid. Rain – it’s wet, but only gets you wet – and a brolly or coat will stop
it’s effects. Snow – kind of the same, but actually fun. Sunshine is good – you
can do stuff in the sunshine. But wind – it’s just the most annoying thing in
the world. You try walking in the wind without looking like a fool. If you’re in
a suit, you spend most of the time with your tie slapping you in the face, if
you wear a skirt (not from personal experience) it flies up all the time and it
only serves to worsen any other weather that is happening at the same time.
Words/Phrases to be banned
‘Time’ – as in “I haven’t seen you for time” – chav speak so it’s obviously
below normal human standards
guesstimate – it’s either an estimation based on knowledge and fact or it’s a
guess – it can’t be both, unless you’re a bell-end
People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps
Loose Women – the ones off the telly program, for being boring muppets who
shriek at nothing.
Joe Pasquale – your voice is not funny, it’s put on and you are going down a
very steep slope into holiday camp entertainership
5th March 2008
Computers
The world was a much better place before computers got involved. When I was a
lad, computers were huge things that sat in special rooms, only being used to
churn out numbers. Such an advancement has been made in recent years that they
are everywhere - and all of the crashing when the user is half way through
something! Why do these things, which apparently working totally by logic,
freeze mid-document, when the only thing being changed is a key press on the
keyboard – the simplest of tasks for a pc to intake! And what power-crazed fool
decided on the error messages? “you have performed an illegal operation” “this
program has stopped responding” and the ultimate insult “you failed to shut down
your pc properly…..” No, the fault was not by me trying to create some
super-giant-complicated program to take over the world, I was writing an email
to someone- and you had a benny! It’s not my fault you crashed – it’s yours,
you stupid lump of carbon-based illogical cow!
Friendship Emails
Why are there people in the world creating emails that “Give me good luck if I
forward it on to 20 people in the next minute” or “Show you’re a true friend”.
Load of cobblers. They are all the same tripe, telling you how nice you are, how
important and that you’ll get years of bad luck if you don’t forward on a bit of
electronic code. Well balls to em – I’ve decided to bin anything telling me to
forward to ‘at least ## people’. I’d like to know who these people are so I can
give them 10 mins of bad luck at the end of my foot! Actually I may start one up
offering 10 years of bad luck if you DO forward it on – then see how long it
comes round the world back to me. And another thing – if you’ve seen a funny
before – don’t send it on either – the likeliness is that if you’re seen it, so
has the person you’re sending it to - as we’re only 6 people away from knowing
everyone in the world!
Words/Phrases to be banned
Equidistant – they are of equal distance to each other – stop trying to merge
words you twappet
Equalized – and any other American spelling of words – USA – we gave you a
language – kindly use it!
People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps
New section – easy to understand – if I don’t like them – they get slapped until
they realise how wrong they are.
David Dickenson – orange pan-faced fraud married to Tina Turners’ more wrinkly
sister
Gatusso – you may play for AC Milan, but Arsenal beat you and you deserve to be
gutted – Stig of the dump!
25th February 2008
Back again with more ramblings.
“What have you been up to?”
Let’s start with what’s happened
recently. Nothing. When you see someone you haven’t seen for ages, they all ask,
“What have you been up to?” and the only answer most people come up with is,
“not much really”. I am one of these people. It’s an empty question that you
cannot answer unless you’ve done something amazing, like flew a helicopter into
a war zone to save some baby goats, or ate dinner with the queen and started a
food fight. Basically it’s just a rubbish question. Everyone HAS been doing
something, but with that question the person is obliged to try and sum it all up
with a one-sentence answer, usually summing up to “nothing much”, or, “same as
usual”. Next time we see someone we haven’t seen for ages, lets ask a new
question, like “are you still straight?” or “I’m surprised you haven’t been sent
to prison yet, how have you managed to dodge the law for this long?” basically
give an honest question of how you feel about them.
Jamie Oliver
Ok clean version – I think he is an
annoying ‘mockney’ who doesn’t realise that he spits on all of his food due to
his speech impediment. He goes around telling people how to eat properly and
healthily in schools, sells all sorts of over-flamboyant food for Sainsbury’s
and basically is an annoying-wannabe-uni-student turd. He went to schools and
told them that kids are getting fat due to bad food. Ok fair enough, nothing to
do with only the 1 hour of PE they have each week? Nothing to do with the fact
that they aren’t allowed to run around in the playground? Nothing to do with the
fact that no kids are allowed out to play, run around and get injured any more?
And how can he go on about healthy food?? In the latest advert he’s feeding fat
cabbie pork sausages!!! As long as he gets his knighthood for supposedly helping
kids get healthy, he’ll sell his backside to anyone!
Talking with mouth full
Not actually the right header but it’s in
the same area. Why do people complain about someone talking with their mouth
full when it seems that they wait until someone is eating before asking a
question? It happens more frequently than I care to mention, but it appears that
when I am eating, the questioner will wait until I’ve got a mouthful of
foodstuffs until their question is asked, it then appears that I am ignoring
that person because I don’t immediately answer. I have resolved this problem
with some people by instantly gobbing all my food out onto the floor (or at
them), then answering. If this happens in frequently enough, then I’m sure the
questioner will actually grow some patience and wait to ask or for the answer.
Words/Phrases to be banned
·
Hoh-e-hoh –
the noise that unimaginative people make when trying to sound like a Frenchman
·
Hitherto –
created by legal people to sound intelligent
People to be sent to the dungeon of slaps
New section – easy to understand – if I
don’t like them – they get slapped until they realise how wrong they are.
·
Neil
Warnock – For not realising that sometimes you lose because you aren’t as good.
·
Jamie
Oliver – Slobbering sausage jockey
·
Vernon
Kay – You are the male equivalent of Sarah Cox – you annoying loudmouthed
pillock
·
Sarah Cox –
Foghorn
20th February 2008
Pork Scratchings
I have been eating pig
fat (commonly known as Pork Scratchings) since I was about 5, back in the days
when kids were allowed to try foods without being scared of allergies. Mum used
to go to the cash & carry in Northampton and come back with all sorts of
cardboard ‘sheets’ of varied goodies. Scratchings, nuts, crisps and even sweets
(and did I develop an attention deficiency syndrome? Did I die due to being
allergic to nuts? Did I have to get a set of false teeth by the time I was 25?
Was I too hyper that I needed ‘special’ attention? No!!!) This has given me the
position of knowledge I have about such a matter. I tend to find the best ones
are in random pubs in just a clear sandwich bag with a tie on the top. There are
varying differences between brands, summarised as such:
- The Sandwich Bag –
Huge lumps of pig fat, no health warnings, no idea as to where they come from
- marvellous
- Mr Porky Scratchings
– Consistently crunchy, quite salty but edging towards being as good as the
sandwich bag.
- Black Country -
Tends to have a wide variance of solid and squishy contents. The squishy ones
can seem wrong sometimes – like a coffee revel.
- Mr Porky Crackling –
these aren’t real – they are rubbish
One thing to note, as a
connoisseur, is the shape and formation of such a treat. Only last night did one
resemble a part of Tina Turner that only the front of her latest audience would
have seen.
Lesson ends.
Frijj
It’s like a strawberry
flavoured soft cheese drink. It also contains Guar Gum, which is a thickener.
Years ago this Guar Gum was marketed as a slimming aid because it swelled up in
the stomach and turned into a big blob of chewing-gumesque mass. It (according
to Esther Ranzen on ‘That’s Life’) caused a lot of people to be constipated as
they were unable to pass this gooey mess. It was also demonstrated as being
slightly dodgy when she put a pack of pills down the loo and it managed to clog
the system totally – like silicone sealant. This stuff is also in Sunny Delight
– but don’t get me started on that.
Neil Warnock
Stop whinging (tried to
stay off the football subject but couldn’t) - You can never see the fact that
when a team beats you, it’s because they are better.
Words/Phrases to be
banned
This section will have
to be broken down over many weeks, but to start off with;
- Moreish - it’s a
stupid word that shouldn’t exist, created by some overweight chocolate
munching housewife magazine.
- Goujon – Ok, if
you’re French, use it – any English person trying to say it sounds wrong.
- Frois-Grois – See
Goujon
More from me soon... Rob
|
